艾伦·德詹尼丝在杜兰大学的演讲:做真正的自己
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杜m大学成立于1834年，是一所历史悠久的综合性私立大学，享有“南部哈佛”之美誉。被称为脱口秀女王的艾伦・德詹尼丝，其风趣自然的特点与生俱来，她在这篇“笑果”十足的演说中透露了自己艰辛的成长历程，让人备受鼓舞。她演讲的核心正是杜兰大学的校训：Not for oneself， but for one’s own（不为自己，只为内心）。
Thank you， President Cowan， Mrs. President Cowen； distinguished guests， undistinguished guests―you know who you are， honored faculty and creepy1 Spanish teacher.
And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009， I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday， but you can’t graduate till I finish， so listen up.2
When I was asked to make the commencement speech， I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Commencement： common， and cement3. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks， and if you step on a crack， you break your mother’s back.4 So there’s that. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.
I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus―alumni―aluminum―alumis―you had to graduate from this school.5 And I didn’t go to college here， and I don’t know if President Cowan knows， I didn’t go to any college at all. Any college. And I’m not saying you wasted your time， or money， but look at me， I’m a huge celebrity6.
Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks， our mascot was the knockers.7 I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today？ Clearly not to steal.
I’m here because of you. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious8， more courageous graduating class. I mean， look at you all， wearing your robes9. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning， it means you’ve given up.10 I’m here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here， I spent my formative years here， and like you， while I was living here I only did laundry six times.11
When I finished school， I was completely lost. And by school， I mean middle school， but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really， I had no ambition， I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from―I shucked oysters， I was a hostess， I was a bartender， I was a waitress， I painted houses， I sold vacuum cleaners， I had no idea.12 I didn’t really have a plan， my point is that， by the time I was your age， I really thought I knew who I was， but I had no idea.
Anyway， I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life， and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19， and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident， and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going， and I found out shortly after that， it was her.
And I was living in a basement apartment， I had no money， I had no heat， no air， I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.13 And I was soul-searching14， I was like， why is she suddenly gone， and there are fleas here？ I don’t understand， there must be a purpose， and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God， and ask these questions.
And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God， which was one-sided， and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself， and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up15， ever， there was no club in town. I said， “I’m gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson”―at the time he was the king―“and I’m gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.”16 And several years later， I was the first woman in the history of the show， and only woman in the history of the show to sit down， because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.
And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great， but it was hard， because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping， that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn’t like me， they would laugh at me.
Then my career turned into―I got my own sitcom17， and that was very successful， another level of success. And I thought， what if they find out I’m gay， then they’ll never watch， and this was a long time ago， this was when we just had white presidents―this was back， many years ago―and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame， and so much fear， that I just couldn’t live that way anymore， and I decided to come out18 and make it creative.
And my character would come out at the same time， and it wasn’t to make a political statement， it wasn’t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around， and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought， “What’s the worst that could happen？ I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years， without even telling me， I read it in the paper. The phone didn’t ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all.
Yet， I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide， but didn’t， because of what I did. And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasn’t just about me and it wasn’t about celebrity， but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time， I was angry， I was sad， and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didn’t want to pick it up. Most people didn’t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.
Really when I look back on it， I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean， it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is， is to be true to yourself. Ultimately， that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear， I’m free， I have no secrets. And I know I’ll always be ok， because no matter what， I know who I am.
So in conclusion， when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up， I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world， drive nice cars， I want to have groupies19.
But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow， you’ll realize the definition of success changes.
For many of you， today， success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.20 For me， the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity， and not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you’re not.21 To live your life as an honest and compassionate person； to contribute in some way.
So to conclude my conclusion： follow your passion， stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path， unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path， and by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice， it will come back and bite you in the ass22. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future， but there’s no need to worry. The economy is booming23， the job market is wide open， the planet is just fine. It’s gonna be great. You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you？ And as I mentioned before， some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview， like， “Is it above sea level？”
So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded， in the common cement speech， I guess what I’m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras24. But instead of showing your boobs， show people your brain， and if they like what they see， you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with.25 And you’ll be drunk， most of the time.
So the Tulane class of 2009， I say congratulations and if you don’t remember a thing I said today， remember this： you’re gonna be ok， just dance.
1. creepy： 使人紧张的，令人毛骨悚然的。
2. hungover： 宿醉的；splitting： 爆裂似的，剧烈的；Fat Tuesday： 油腻星期二，此处指毕业前的狂欢。在基督徒的世界里，从复活节前第七个星期三（圣灰星期三）起，到复活节前夕的40天是封斋期。圣灰星期三的前一天是油腻星期二，也就是最后狂欢的机会。
3. cement： 水泥。
4. 人行道上有裂缝，如果踩到了裂缝，妈妈的背就会折断。这是一个迷信说法，指脚踩地缝就会招来厄运。crack： 裂缝。
5. alumnus： 男校友；alumni： 校友；aluminum： 铝；alumis： 作者乱造的词。因为“校友”一词容易拼错，所以这里作者为了搞笑故意说了一连串类似的单词。
6. celebrity： 名人。
7. 但我确实是从“磨难大学”毕业的，我们的吉祥物就是种种磨难和挫折。hard knocks： 不幸，挫折；mascot： 吉祥物；knocker：敲击者，吹毛求疵的人。
8. tenacious： 顽强的，坚韧的。
9. robe： 长袍，指毕业礼服。下一句里robe指的是浴衣，睡袍。
10. 通常来说，你如果早上10点钟还穿着睡袍，那么意味着你已经放弃人生了。这里作者巧妙运用了robe的一词两意。
11. formative： 影响（事物或性格）形成的，塑造性的；laundry：待洗的衣服。
12. shuck： 剥壳；oyster： 牡蛎，蚝；bartender： 酒吧服务员；vacuum cleaner： 吸尘器。
13. be infested with：（害虫等）多得成灾；flea： 跳蚤。
14. soul-search： 反省，扪心自问。
15. stand-up： 单人滑稽表演，单口相声。
16. 我说，我将要在《今夜秀》上和约翰尼・卡森一起表演这一段。他当时是主持界天王，我将成为该节目史上第一个被邀请坐下来接受访谈的女性。Johnny Carson： 约翰尼・卡森（1925―2005），美国著名节目主持人，曾主持美国国家广播公司（NBC）深夜时段著名脱口秀节目《今夜秀》Tonight Show。
17. sitcom： 情景喜剧，（广播、电视的）系列幽默剧。
18. come out： 透露，这里指出柜，即同性恋者公开自己的性取向。下一句中的come out 是展露的意思。
19. groupie： 狂热的追星族（尤指仰慕并追随偶像到处跑的少女）。
20. hold down： 不让（吃下的食物）呕出；shot： 一小杯；tequila： 龙舌兰酒。
21. integrity： 诚实，正直；peer：同辈，同龄人。
22. bite in the ass： 招来麻烦，自食其果。
23. boom： 迅速增长，蓬勃发展。
24. Mardi Gras： 与注释2的“油腻星期二（Fat Tuesday）”同义，俗称狂欢节或嘉年华。
25. boob： ；bead：（空心）小珠子，复数指珠子项链，这里指金银珠宝，富。