母亲的思念

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I blinked back tears as I gazed out the car window at a smirking orange moon. To me, at least, it seemed to be smirking, but maybe that was just my state of mind. Our car sped east into the darkness, and with each revolution of the wheels, it took me further away from my daughter, my eldest child. Several hours earlier, my husband and I had left her in a dormitory at Middle Tennessee State University, a twelve-hour drive from our home in Manassas, Virginia.

I had been so proud of myself as I'd said goodbye to Leah. Earlier, she'd pleaded with me not to cry --not until after we'd left her, anyway, and I hadn't. But I'd come close. As we rode down in the dormitory elevator together, Leah had been silent, keeping her eyes carefully averted from my face. I, however, couldn't stop gazing at her, trying, I guess, to imprint these last moments with her on my brain. I wouldn't be seeing her again until Christmas. My eyes lingered on a tiny scar on her forehead, an upside-down "V".

A memory flashed in my mind of a fifteen-month-old Leah pulling a clock radio off a bedside table right in front of me. It seemed to happen in slow motion. I saw the radio falling toward her and tried to catch it, but I couldn't move fast enough. The next thing I knew, Leah was screaming, her forehead dripping blood. At the emergency room, I wept in my husband's arms, listening to my toddler shrieking "Mommy ... Mommy ... Mommy" in the cubicle next door as the cut was stitched up. Her panicked cries broke my heart, and I wished I could trade places with her. Suffer the pain for her so she wouldn't have to.

There have been many, many other times since that day that I've had the same wish--her first day in a new school when she tried so bravely to hide her anxiety, the time she didn't have a date for the homecoming dance but all her friends did, and the bleak January day in her junior year when a classmate was killed in a car accident. All those times, I wanted to take away her pain, but I knew I couldn't do it. Just as she couldn't take away my pain as our car sped down the interstate while the miles between us lengthened and the orange moon smirked down on me in my aching sadness. But I knew my pain was only temporary. As the days passed, I would adjust to a different life without my daughter in the house.

With that adjustment in mind, I decided to redecorate Leah's room, keeping her bed and dresser but converting a section into a sewing area for me. A few weeks after we left her at college, I began to pack up the few items she'd left behind. I felt quite strong as I sifted through yearbooks, photo albums, and various odds and ends she'd collected throughout the years. But suddenly, I came across an item that shattered my emotional calm. I picked up a green square of burlap imprinted with two small handprints in white. My eyes blurred as I read the typewritten message above the handprints, and I could no longer hold back my tears.

Sometimes you get discouraged

Because I am so small

And always leave my fingerprints

On furniture and walls,

But every day I am growing

And soon I'll be so tall,

That all those little handprints

Will be hard to recall,

So here's a final handprint

To remember, Mother dear

Exactly how my fingers looked

In Sunday School this year.

1980

I cried unashamedly--and it felt good.

我眨了眨眼，强忍着不让泪水流出来。一轮桔黄的月亮挂在车窗外的天空中，我凝望着它，它似乎在嘲笑我，至少在我看来是这样，但也可能是我的心态问题。我们的车驶向东方无边的黑暗，车轮每一次转动，都带着我远离女儿――我最大的孩子。几小时前，我和丈夫把她留在田纳西州中部州立大学的宿舍里，离弗吉尼亚州马纳萨斯市的家有12小时车程。

我会为自己与利厄的告别感到自豪。她最初求我不要哭――至少在一起时不许哭。不管怎样，我没有哭。但是，当我们一起坐电梯下宿舍楼时，我差点忍不住了。利厄沉默着，慢慢地将目光移离我的脸，但我却不能自持地盯着她，我想，自己可能是在试着把她最后的时刻深深地刻入脑海。直到圣诞节，我才能再见到她。我盯着她前额上那块小伤疤，它就像一个倒过来的“V”。

我不禁回想起这样一幕：15个月大的利厄在我面前，把自动定时开关收音机从床头柜上拽了下来，就像电影里的慢动作，我看着收音机向她砸下来，拼命想要抓住，但是我的动作慢了一拍，我很快听见利厄的尖叫声，她的前额顿时鲜血直流。在急救室里，我听见隔壁传来我蹒跚学步的小宝贝撕心裂肺地尖叫，“妈咪……妈咪……妈咪……”，医生正为她缝合伤口。我哭倒在丈夫的怀里，她惊慌失措地哭喊声令我心胆俱裂，我宁愿代替她承受这一切，让她免于痛楚。

自那以后，这种愿望无数次出现在不同的情景――她上新学校的第一天，试图勇敢地把焦虑藏在心底时；那次返校节舞会，朋友们都有了舞伴，而她没有时；以及在那个凄凉的一月的某天，她上小学三年级，一个同学死于车祸时。所有悲伤的时候，我都希望能够替她承受，但是，我知道，这是不可能的，就像她不能消除我的痛苦一样。我们的车急驰在州际高速公路上，与她的距离越来越遥远。桔黄色的月亮似乎在嘲笑我分离的悲伤。但是，我知道痛苦是暂时的，随着时日的推移，我会调整好心态，适应女儿不在家的生活。

为了调整心态，我决定把利厄的房间重新布置一下，她的床和梳妆台原地不动，腾出一部分空间让我做缝纫活。她离开我们上大学的几个星期后，我开始收拾她留下的一些东西。我觉得自己很坚强，翻阅着那些年刊、相册以及她收集了很多年的各种零碎物。突然，眼前的一样东西，惊扰了我平静的心。我拿起一块绿色的麻布方片，上面印着两只白色的小手印。读到手印上打印的字迹，泪水模糊了我的眼睛，最终忍不住夺眶而出。

有时候我会让您很失望

因为我那么小

而且总是把手印

留在家具和墙上

但我每天都在成长

很快就会长很高

再找到这所有的小手印

将会很困难

因此这是最后的小手印

亲爱的妈妈，请您记住

在今年的主日学校

我的小手究竟是什么模样

1980年

我尽情地哭出来――感觉舒服极了。