二十不努力,三十徒伤悲

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When I was in my 20s， I saw my very first 1）psychotherapy client. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex. Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big 2）slouchy top， and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this， I was so relieved. My classmate got an 3）arsonist for her first client. And I got a twenty-something who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle.

But I didn’t handle it. “Thirty’s the new 20，” Alex would say， and as far as I could tell， she was right. Work happened later， marriage happened later， kids happened later， even death happened later.

But before long， my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back.

I said， “Sure， she’s dating down， but it’s not like she’s gonna marry the guy.”

And then my supervisor said， “Not yet， but she might marry the next one. Besides， the best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”

That’s what psychologists call an “Aha！”moment. That was the moment I realized， 30 is not the new 20.

There are 50 million twenty-somethings in the United States right now. We’re talking about 15 percent of the population， or 100 percent if you consider that no one’s getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

So I specialize in twenty-somethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twenty-somethings deserves to know what psychologists， sociologists， 4）neurologists and 5）fertility specialists already know： that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest， yet most 6）transformative， things you can do for work， for love， for your happiness， maybe even for the world.

But this isn’t what twenty-somethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. As a culture， we have 7）trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

But then it starts to sound like this： “My 20s are almost over， and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college.”

And then it starts to sound like this： “Dating in my 20s was like 8）musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun， but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn’t want to be the only one left standing up， so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30.”

Where are the twenty-somethings here？ Do not do that.

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It’s realizing you can’t have that career you now want. It’s realizing you can’t have that child you now want， or you can’t give your child a sibling. Too many thirty-somethings and forty-somethings look at themselves， and at me， sitting across the room， and say about their 20s， “What was I doing？ What was I thinking？”

I want to change what twenty-somethings are doing and thinking.

Here’s a story about how that can go. It’s a story about a woman named Emma. At 25， Emma came to my office because she was， in her words， having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment， but she hadn’t decided yet， so she’d spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper， she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were， her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions， but then would collect herself by saying， “You can’t pick your family， but you can pick your friends.”

Well one day， Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap， and she sobbed for most of the hour. She’d just bought a new address book， and she’d spent the morning filling in her many contacts， but then she’d been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words“In case of emergency， please call...” She was nearly 9）hysterical when she looked at me and said， “Who’s gonna be there for me if I get in a car wreck？ Who’s gonna take care of me if I have cancer？”

So over the next weeks and months， I told Emma three things that every twentysomething， male or female， deserves to hear.

First， I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By get identity capital， I mean do something that adds value to who you are. So now is the time for that cross-country job， that internship， that startup you want to try. I’m not discounting twenty-something exploration here， but I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count， which， by the way， is not exploration. That’s 10）procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Second， I told Emma that the 11）urban tribe is overrated. That new piece of capital， that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties， our friends of friends of friends. So yes， half of twenty-somethings are unor under-employed. But half aren’t， and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted， so reaching out to your neighbor’s boss is how you get that un-posted job. It’s not cheating. It’s the science of how information spreads.

Last but not least， Emma believed that you can’t pick your family， but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up， but as a twenty-something， soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one， and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want， rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma？ Well， we went through that address book， and she found an old roommate’s cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now， five years later， she’s a special events planner for museums. She’s married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career， she loves her new family， and she sent me a card that said， “Now the emergency contact blanks don’t seem big enough.”

So here’s an idea worth spreading to every twenty-something you know. It’s what I now have the 12）privilege of saying to twenty-somethings like Emma every single day： Thirty is not the new 20， so claim your adulthood， get some identity capital， use your weak ties， pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.

当我二十多岁时，我见到了我的首位来做心理治疗的病人。她是一位叫亚历克斯的26岁女性。第一次会诊时，亚历克斯穿了牛仔裤和一件宽大松垮的上衣，进来后一屁股坐到我办公室中的沙发上，踢掉她的平底鞋，然后跟我说，她是来跟我谈男友问题的。当我听到这个时，我松了一口气。我一同学遇到的第一个病人就是个纵火犯。而我的是一位二十几岁、想跟我谈谈男生的病人。我觉得自己能处理好这病案。

但我没做到。“30就是新的20”，亚历克斯会这么说，而且就我所知，她是对的。工作靠后，婚姻靠后， 孩子靠后，就连死也靠后了。

但没过多久，我的导师就督促我，让我向亚历克斯的爱情生活施力规劝。我回绝了。

我说：“没错，她在和一个很差劲的人交往，但这并不表示她会和他结婚。”

然后我的导师说：“现在还没，但她可能会和下一个这样的人结婚。再说，在亚历克斯的婚事上花费精力的最佳时机就是在她结婚之前。”

这就是心理学家们所说的“顿悟时刻”。在那一刻，我明白到，30岁并不是新的20岁。

现在美国大约有五千万二十多岁的人。这大概就是总人口的15%，或者说是100%――如果你考虑到没有人会不先经历二十多岁这个阶段而直接步入成年期的话。

所以，我专门研究二十多岁的人，因为我相信这五千万个二十多岁的人中每一个都应该知道心理学家、社会学家、神经学家以及生育专家们都已然了解的事实：那就是把握住你二十多岁的时光是你能为自己的职业、爱情、幸福，甚至是为世界所能做的最简单的，但又是最有影响力的事。

但这并不是二十多岁的人现时听到的箴言。报纸在描述成年期时间表的变更。研究人员把二十多岁称为青春期的延展。作为一种文化，我们把实际上是成年期中具决定意义的十年给弱化忽略了。

但后来大家就开始讲：“我的二三十岁时期快结束了，但我没什么可以拿得出手来表现自己的。我毕业那天的简历都比现在好。”

之后大家开始讲： “二十多岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏。大家跑来跑去，不亦乐乎，但到了三十岁左右，感觉就像音乐停掉了，大家开始坐了下来。我不想成为那个唯一站着的人，因此有时候，我觉得自己和丈夫结婚，是因为他就是我三十岁时离我最近的‘椅子’。”

这里的二十多岁的年轻人在哪儿？别做那样的事。

在如今这个千禧年后的新时代，中年危机不是突然跑去买一辆红色跑车的行径。而是意识到自己无法拥有自己如今想要的职业，意识到无法生一个如今你想要的孩子，或者无法给自己的孩子添一个兄弟姐妹。有太多太多的三十多、四十多岁的人先看看自己，然后看看坐在房间另一边的我，说起他们二十多岁的人生时期。“我当时在干什么？我当时在想什么？”

我想改变现时二十多岁的人的想法和做法。

以下是一个关于如何付诸实践的故事。这是艾玛的故事。25岁时，艾玛走进我的办公室，因为，用她的话来讲，她正在经历一场身份危机。她说她觉得自己想从事艺术或者娱乐方面的工作，但她还没决定，所以过去几年她把时间花在端盘子上了。想着节省生活费，她便和她那脾气比志向大的男友住在了一起。而无论她的二十多岁时期有多难，她以前的生活更艰难。她常在我们诊疗会面时哭，但之后会说这样的话自我振作：“你无法选择自己的家庭，但你能选择自己的朋友。”

有一天，艾玛走进来，把头埋在膝盖上，然后哭了近一个小时。她刚买了一个新的地址薄，然后她花了一个上午填她的联系人，接着盯住“在紧急情况下，请拨打……”这一串字后面的空白栏，她只有怔怔发呆。她近乎歇斯底里地看着我并说道：“如果我出车祸了谁会在我身边？如果我得了癌症，谁会来照顾我？”

所以在接下来的几周和几个月中，我跟艾玛说了三点――那是每个二十多岁的人，不论男女，都应该听到的。

首先，我告诉艾玛忘掉她的身份危机，然后开始积累身份资本。我所说的“积累身份资本”是指为自身增加价值。所以，现在是时候要开始那份跨国工作、那份实习工作，以及开始你想做的尝试了。我这么说并不是轻视二十多岁的人的探索，但是我轻视那些无实质意义的探索，而且，顺便说一句，那不能叫探索。那叫拖延时间。我叫艾玛试验各种工作，而且实实在在地干。

其次，我告诉艾玛都市小众族群被高估了。那个新的资本，那个新的可以约会的人几乎总是来自小圈子之外。新的事物来自于我们所谓的“弱连接”之中，比如我们的朋友的朋友的朋友。没错，大概有一半二十多岁的人未就业或者未充分就业。但有一半却并非如此，而弱连接就是把你自己引到那一个团体当中的方式。有一半的新职位是没有被张贴出来的，所以联系到你邻居的老板就是你拿到那份未被张贴的工作的方法。这不是走后门。这是关于信息传递的科学。

最后，但并非最为次要的一点是，艾玛相信一个人不能选择自己的家庭，但可以选择自己的朋友。在她的成长历程中这并没错，但作为一个二十多岁的人，艾玛很快就要选择自己的家庭：和某人结伴，建立自己的家庭。我告诉艾玛开始选择家庭的时间就是现在。在婚姻上努力的最佳时机是结婚之前，意思就是对待爱情就要像对待工作一样用心。选择家庭就是有意识地选择你想要的人和物，而不是单单得过且过或者和选择你的随便哪个人消磨时间。

那艾玛后来怎么样呢？嗯，我们翻了翻那个地址薄，然后发现她以前一个室友的表亲在另一个州的某家艺术博物馆工作。那个弱连接帮她在那里找到一份工作。那份工作给了她离开同居男友的理由。现在，五年过去了，她是一名博物馆特殊活动策划。她和细心选择的人结了婚。她爱自己的新职业、新家庭，她还给我寄了一张写着“现在紧急联系人一栏的空白似乎不够大了”的卡片。

因此，这里给出的是一个想法，值得向你认识的每个二十多岁的人传播。那就是现在我有权每天都对像艾玛那样的二十多岁的人所说的话：30岁不是新的20岁，所以把握好你的成年期，积累一些身份资本，利用你的弱连接，并且选择好你的家庭。不要被你以前不知晓或者没做过的事定义。现在，你就在决定你的人生。