Just Friends
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Final class of the day; I’m almost done. I’ve managed to avoid him for the majority of the day, somehow escaping his attempts at conversation. Always somewhere to go, something to do. Sorry, no time to chat. If I can just stay out of sight for the next fifteen minutes, I’ll be home free.
Rushing into the crowded hall, I push through the swarm of buzzing students.1 I fight against the flow of bodies, the warm crush that threatens to overwhelm2 me. Desperate, I keep shoving, longing to reach the safety and quiet of my locker.3 I’m almost there, just a bit further. Finally I’ve made it, and he’s nowhere in sight.
I open my locker and lean into it, sighing with relief, when I see him. I straighten up, hurriedly shoving everything into that tiny metal box, but my hands aren’t cooperating. My nerves are making me shake, disconnecting my mind from the rest of my body. I struggle to remove myself from the impending situation, but as I start to spring away, he grabs my arm and says, “Now can I talk to you?”4
And that’s when my heart sinks. My stomach starts to churn5 and I know nothing will be the same again.
Somehow I always knew it would come down to this moment. A silent showdown in some empty hallway, the echo of slamming lockers long since faded, but the shouts of students still lingering in the air. He stares at me, expectantly6, awaiting an answer. I look at my feet, purposely not listening, not looking at him. I don’t want to hear it, don’t want to see him proclaim7 his love. It makes no difference8; it doesn’t change the situation.
最后一节课了；离最终胜利仅有一步之遥。这大半天我都成功地躲开了他，总算是避开了他与我搭话的机会。我跑这儿跑那儿，总有事要干。不好意思，没时间聊天。如果接下来的15分钟我能躲开他的视线，那我就可以轻松地回家啦。
我冲向拥挤的大厅，在乱哄哄的人群中推搡着往前挤。我从熙攘移动的人群当中钻过去，热浪几乎要让我窒息了。绝望中，我不停地推着，挤着，希望能早些到我的柜子旁边去，到那儿我就安全了，也能摆脱这嘈杂之声，安静下来。就差一点，马上就到了。终于，成功抵达了，我暗暗庆幸哪儿也看不到他。
我打开柜子，上身探进去，如释重负地叹了口气，而就在这时，我看到了他。我立刻直起身来，匆忙地将所有东西往这个小小的金属柜子里一塞，但是我的手却不听使唤。我紧张得有些发抖，不知道自己在做什么。想到马上要面对他，我挣扎着让自己逃离这里，但正当我三步并作两步打算逃之夭夭时，他抓住了我的胳膊，问道：“我现在能和你说两句话吗？”
我的心开始下沉，我的胃也开始翻江倒海，我知道从此之后一切都变了。
不知为什么，我一直都知道这个时刻迟早会来。在某个空旷楼道里无声的摊牌，锁柜关闭的回声已经消退，但学生们的叫喊声还在空气中回荡。他满怀期待地看着我，等待着我的回答。我看着脚下，故意不去听他说话，也不看他。我不想听，不想看他表白爱意。他的表白对我没有任何影响，什么也改变不了。
“Did you hear me? I said I like you. I like you a lot.”Don’t say that. Anything but that. Talk to me about the weather, how horrible Mrs. Matthews is with her evil calculus equations. Even sports would be better, (and you know how much I hate sports). Just don’t say those words. Why would you say something that could irreversibly9 change our friendship?
“Say something, anything.”
You don’t mean that, not really. I know what you’re hoping to hear, what you want me to say. I can’t and I won’t. I look at you and I see a brother, a friend, not a boyfriend. I don’t think anything could ever change that in my mind.
Everyone knew we’d end up here. My parents, my friends. Hell, even your parents and friends knew it. They told me it was cruel to lead you on, but I never meant to. I never meant for it to go this far; it just never seemed like the right time to say, “Hey, we’ll always be best friends.” I never, ever wanted to hurt you; I just didn’t want to let you go.
Now it’s senior year and you’ve finally found the courage to tell me how you feel. I’d love to blame you for this awkwardness, accuse you of letting this non-relationship charade drag on over the years.10 But truthfully, it’s my fault that we’ve reached this point, and I have to make things right.
“We are just good friends.” I take a deep breath. This is it.
“Yeah. Me too.”
“你听到我说话了吗？我说我喜欢你，非常喜欢。”
不要说这个，除了这个说什么都行。跟我聊聊天气，或是马修斯老师和她那讨厌的算数方程式有多恐怖吧。哪怕是体育也行，（你知道我多么讨厌体育啊）。就是别跟我说那些话。你为什么非得说这些，让我们以后连朋友都做不成呢？
“说点什么吧，说什么都行。”
不，你不是这么想的。我知道你想听到什么样的回答，你想让我说什么。我不能也不会那样说。我看着你，看到的是一个兄长，一个朋友，而不是男朋友。我知道什么都不能改变我的想法。
所有人都知道我们会走到今天这一步。我父母知道，朋友知道，该死，甚至连你的父母和朋友也知道。他们告诉我，我这样误导你很残忍，但是我从来都不想这样。我从来没想让我们的关系发展到这里；只是好像一直也找不到合适的机会告诉你：“嗨，我们一直都是最好的朋友。”我不想伤害你，只是不想你离我而去。
现在高三了，你终于鼓起勇气告诉我你的感受。我想责怪你造成了此时的尴尬局面，指责你让这种非恋爱关系的哑谜打了这么多年。但是，老实说，我们到现在这种局面是我的错，而此刻到了我该纠正这个错误的时候了。
“我们只是好朋友。”说完，我深吸了一口气。好了，就这样吧。
“太好了，我也是这么想的，”他说。
单词卡片
1. swarm: （迅速移动的）人群；buzz: 发出嗡嗡声。
2. overwhelm: 征服，压倒。
3. desperate: 绝望的，不顾一起的；shove:推，推挤。
4. impending: 即将发生的；spring: 跳跃。
5. churn: 剧烈搅动，翻腾。
6. expectantly: 等待地，期盼地。
7. proclaim: 宣布。
8. make no difference : 没有作用，没有影响。
9. irreversibly: 不可挽回地，无法逆转地。
10. awkwardness:尴尬，别扭；charade: 猜字游戏。