孤独女孩的合唱

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什么是孤独，孤独对一个女孩意味着什么？对于青春，对于生活，孤独并不可怕，可怕的是自己将自己彻底地放弃。聆听这一曲青春的歌曲，其实你会觉得孤独并不可怕。

What’s the feeling of loneliness? Is it being locked up in a dark room for hours or standing on the edge of the world with only the wind to brush against your cheek? Or maybe being alone has nothing to do with it. Perhaps instead, it’s actually the feeling of sadness in a crowded mall―standing still as you watch the crazed shoppers brush past you over and over, the chattered noises drowning away in your mind. There are so many people surrounding you, eating up your oxygen―you should be happy to have so many companions, yet why does it make you feel lonelier than ever?

I was never the type to constantly plug myself to my MP3 player, but lately, I’ve found escape through music―someone to be with when it gets lonely. Because being lonely isn’t about being alone―it’s about washing away the inner demons and voices that I do not possess the courage to face yet. With a quick tap of my finger, I can quickly switch to a new song―a new beginning―another chance to forget and move on. Even if I have to return reality one day, perhaps it’s these little injections of numbness that help me get through my day.

Regardless, we all find peace in sleep―whatever dreams may bring, we shall return to reality once again. But for the moment being, we can rest our heads against the ever so comfortable pillow and rest, relax, and forget. But when the alarm clock ticks and shrills in our ears, we know that all beautiful things must come to an end. But where do we find the strength to strut on this stage over and over, until our arms and legs become stiff, our eyelids heavy? Can we not just sleep eternally and never wake up? Why must we suffer the tolls and regurgitations of a washed-up life?

When I look around in the empty sea, glittering and sparkling as it may be, there isn’t anyone around. The fish have died―the waves were too strong. The entire sea is mine, yet I feel neither pride nor excitement. I have all the film in the world, all the minutes and seconds to capture a piece of everything, but who would I send it to once the pictures are developed? I don’t even know what to write on the envelope―my own address is ever-changing as I wade across this open sea. I have so many stories to tell, but why won’t anyone leave a lending ear? I’m getting tired of my own voice―one can never listen to herself talk for too long.

Maybe it’s time for me to swallow a mouthful of this sparkling, delicious seawater. It looks enticing, doesn’t it? Perhaps one gulp per hour should help feed my loneliness, nourish my spirit, and replenish my strength. Why am I feeling so drowsy? Could it be that I can finally take a prolonged nap?

Occasionally when I wade through, I see a branch overhang, and my heart gives a leap―I feel tempted to grab hold of it. But from the scars of the past, I don’t have the courage to try and make a connection. Whenever I see something of the past, I reach and grab, only to find emptiness.

I wear on my face, a scuba mask, shielding myself away from it all. The sharks can’t see me, but the angel fish can’t see me either. But if I remove it, is it worth trying to find the angel fish from the past and risk the wraths of the sharks?

Forgotten...The sad story of my journey, one that moves ever so often. How does it feel to live in a lie forever? What happened in the past isn’t important anymore, is it? I used to believe that once you grow up, you could give up past memories if new ones were to replace them. But when will they?

How does it feel to have the last bit of hope shattered? Sometimes I think that the worst feeling in the world is being forgotten. But it hurts the most when it comes from someone who you thought had once cared about you. It seems like our roads only intertwine ever so slightly, and then your existence starts to fade, fade, and fade away... until you remain nothing but a spec in the realm of someone else’s vast memories, dusted off as if you never existed.

It’s a constant reminder of the evolution of the world we live in. One day, more than 10 years ago, someone could’ve given you a loving smile of reassurance, and then 10 years later, your names become a foreign language. People change, we change, but that doesn’t change the saddening notion and truth that your presence could only mean so little if you are nothing but a spec. After all, we do try to deeply hold onto those imprints that have stamped our hearts with force, whether hatred or love, because they will never leave us, regardless of how old we once were. But it’s those transient memories that don’t mean anything in the larger scheme of things that get lost in the vast sea. Even if I’m swimming among them, they’ll never find their way to the owner.

I could remind him, I could try to stamp my feet in his heart again and again, but we all know that there’s a time and place for everything. Perhaps at an intersection somewhere along the axes of space, I could’ve made a difference, but I know deep down that this is not the right time nor place. My time’s past, and so has his. But why can’t I let go of these heart-wrenching moment? Why do I sit here dully, washing the seawater with my drained tears while all the other fish swim by? Why am I locked in these memories that no longer hold any meaning?

（责编：张楚武）