爸爸妈妈――爱你在心口难开
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翻译：小狐
人们常说，父爱如山，母爱如海，家便是那山与海之间的小小港湾。正值一年一度的母亲节，一位有多年社工经验的专家给我们讲述青少年与父母的相处之道。也许以下所说的不一定适合你的情况，但你是否也受到一点启发呢？
Why Do We Fight So Much?
The clothes you wear. The food you eat. The color of your bedroom walls. Where you go and how you get there. The people you hang out[打发时间] with. What time you go to bed.
What do these things have in common, you’re asking? They’re just a few examples of the many hundreds of things that your parents controlled for you when you were a child. As a kid, you didn’t have a say in much of what went on; your parents made decisions about everything from the cereal[谷类食品] you ate in the morning to the pajamas[睡衣] you wore at night. And it’s a good thing, too――kids need this kind of protection and assistance, because they aren’t mature[成熟的] enough to take care of themselves and make careful decisions on their own.
But eventually, kids grow up and become teens. And part of being a teen is developing your own identity[特性，身份]――one that is separate from the identities of your parents. It’s totally normal for teens to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life; it’s what prepares them for adulthood.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes his or her own decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting[适应]. They aren’t used to the new you yet ?they only know you as the kid who had everything decided for you and didn’t mind.
In most families, it’s this adjustment that can cause a lot of fighting between teens and parents. You want to cover your walls with posters; they don’t understand why you don’t like your Sesame Street注 wallpaper anymore. You think it’s OK to hang out at the mall[商场] every day after school; they would rather that you play a sport. Clashes[冲突] like these are very common between teens and parents ?teens get angry because they feel parents don’t respect them and aren’t giving them enough space to do what they like, while parents get angry because they aren’t used to not being in control.
It’s easy for feelings to get very hurt when there are conflicts like these. And more complicated issues ?like the types of friends you have, or your attitudes about love and money ?can cause even bigger arguments, because your parents will always be intent on protecting you and keeping you safe, no matter how old you are.
The good news about fighting with your parents is that in many families the arguing will lessen[变少] as parents get more comfortable with the idea that their teen has a right to certain opinions and an identity that may be different from theirs. It can take several years for parents and teens to adjust to their new roles, though. In the meantime, concentrate on communicating with your parents as best you can.
Sometimes this can feel impossible ?like, they just don’t see your point of view, and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your parents, and you may be able to reach compromises[让步] that make everyone happy. For example, if you are willing to clean your room in order to stay out an hour later, both you and your parents walk away with[平安脱身] a good deal. Keep in mind, too, that your parents were teens once and that, in most cases, they can relate to what you’re going through.
What Do They Want from Me?
Well, here are some of the main things. They want you to have a good life. They want you to be happy and be a worthwhile[有价值的] member of the society.
For most parents, that means having the things they think are important like a good job, enough money to buy what you need, some money left over for fun things, good friends and, later on, a family.
They also want you to be liked by others.
They want you to avoid mistakes, such as picking up bad habits by mixing with the wrong people, wasting money so you can’t afford things you want, and not studying so you end up with a job you don’t find satisfying.
And they want you to like yourself.
They want you to love them and appreciate[感激] all they have done for you. They also want to be proud of you.
They want to have a good relationship with you for the rest of their lives, and be an important part of your life.
How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship?
Keep an open mind. Don’t be disturbed[扰乱] by your parents?questions. They’re not prying[探查] into your business. They ask because they care. Share what you can.
Use current events or news stories as an opener for sensitive subjects. Listen to their opinions on the event and then share yours. This is a good way to let your parents know how you feel about your world and your place in it without talking about yourself.
Start the conversation. Your parents may be afraid to approach a sensitive[敏感的] topic with you.
Talk often. No parent gets tired of hearing about what’s really important to you. The more you talk, the better they’ll understand you.
Tell them something about your day――every day. Ask about their day. This is a great way to get the conversation going.
Ask their opinions. Let them know that you may not always do what they say, but you do want to hear about their opinion. They may surprise you with some good advice.
Explain that you need space. It doesn’t make you a weirdo[古怪的人]. Teens need lots of time to think and to work out issues. Sometimes you have to remind your parents of this.
If they are embarrassing[使困窘] you, say so. Sometimes parents confuse being funny with being way over the line[过分]. Let them know you are sensitive about this and you take it personally.
Make an honesty pact[协定]. Be honest with them in exchange for their honesty with you.
Remember that respect is a two-way street. You’ll be treated the way you treat them.
Give them some credit. They have been around[生活经验丰富] longer than you have. They’ve dealt with some of the same issues. It’s possible you can benefit from their experience.
Love is the bottom line. Remember, when things are going badly between you and them, they love you.
为什么我们总是在吵架？
你穿什么衣服。你吃什么食物。你卧室里的墙纸是什么颜色。你去什么地方，要怎么去。你和谁一起玩。你什么时候上床睡觉。
这些问题有什么共同之处呢？它们只是成百上千的例子中极少的一部分，说明了你从小就在父母的掌控中生活。作为一个孩子，你对自己的事情没什么发言权，你的父母会替你包办一切，从你早上该吃什么早餐，到你晚上该穿怎样的睡衣。这也是对的――小孩子需要这样的保护和帮助，因为他们还不够成熟，没有能力照顾好自己，还不能自己做决定。
但是后来，孩子渐渐长大了，变成了青少年。作为一名青少年，成长就意味着要发展自己的个性――与你的父母完全不同的个人特质。对于青少年来说，形成自己对人生的意见、想法和价值观是完全正常的，因为这是他们迈向成年的第一步。
但是随着你逐渐变化，成长为一个能够自己做决定的全新个体，你的父母却很难调整过来。他们还不习惯这样一个全新的你――他们眼中的你还是个孩子，从不在意让他们为你安排一切。
在大多数家庭里，正是这种调整与适应给父母和子女带来许多争执和冲突。你想在墙壁上贴海报，而他们不明白为什么你不再喜欢“芝麻街”的墙纸了。你觉得每天放学后在商场里闲逛很正常，他们则宁愿你去参加体育运动。在父母与子女之间，这样的冲突非常普遍―青少年很不高兴，因为他们认为父母不尊重他们，也不给他们空间做他们喜欢做的事情；父母也会很生气，因为他们不习惯对子女放任不管。
当这样的冲突反复出现时，双方都会受到伤害。而一旦出现了更复杂的事情――例如你交了什么样的朋友，或者你对爱情和金钱的态度――争吵也会更激烈，因为无论你长到多大，父母永远都想保护你，保证你的安全。
还好，在许多家庭里，你和父母的争吵会逐渐减少，因为父母会逐渐接受事实，明白到他们的青少年子女也有权拥有自己的观点，也许还会形成不同于父母的个人特质。对父母和青少年来说，适应这样的新角色可能需要几年的时间。与此同时，你还是应该尽可能地多与父母沟通。
有时候，要做到这点似乎完全不可能―他们似乎总是搞不懂你的想法，而且永远不会懂。但是，与他们交谈并说出自己的想法能帮你赢得父母更多的尊重，你们还可能各退一步，得出皆大欢喜的结果。例如，如果你愿意打扫自己的房间来换取在外面多玩一个小时，那么你和父母都会比较容易接受。也不要忘了，你的父母也曾是青少年，因此在大多数情况下，他们能理解你正在经历的事情。
他们对我究竟有什么期望？
这里有一些要点。他们希望你拥有一个幸福的人生。他们希望你快快乐乐，并成为一个有价值的社会成员。
对于大多数父母来说，这就意味着你能拥有一些他们认为重要的东西，例如一份好工作，有足够的钱买你需要的东西，还能余下些钱来享受乐趣，招呼朋友，以及最后，养家糊口。
他们还希望你能受到他人的喜爱。
他们希望你不要犯错，比如交上不该交的朋友结果染上坏习惯，浪费钱财结果不能买你需要的东西，以及不认真学习结果找不到满意的工作。
还有，他们希望你能够爱自己。
他们希望你爱他们，对他们为你所做的一切心怀感激。他们还希望能以你为荣。
他们希望在有生之年与你保持良好的关系，并成为你生命中重要的一部分。
如何维持良性的亲子关系？
保持开放的思想。不要对父母的问题感到心烦。他们并不是在窥探你的秘密。他们提问只是因为关心你。尽可能地与他们分享你的事情吧。
如果你想谈论敏感的话题，可以利用时事政治或新闻故事作为谈话的开始。倾听他们对这一事件的意见，然后与他们分享你的想法。这是个不错的方法，可以让父母了解你对世界的看法以及你在这个世界所处的位置，又不用谈及你自己。
主动与他们谈话。你的父母可能不敢与你谈论某个敏感的话题。
经常与他们聊天。只要你的话题对你来说真的非常重要，没有哪个父母会觉得厌烦而不愿聆听。你讲得越多，他们就会越了解你。
和他们谈一谈你的一天――每一天。问问他们这一天过得怎么样。这是让谈话持续下去的好方法。
问问他们的想法。让他们知道，虽然你也许不会总按他们说的去做，但你确实希望听听他们的意见。他们也许会给出一些好意见，让你大吃一惊。
向他们解释说你需要自己的空间。这不会让你变成一个怪人。青少年需要大量的时间来思考和解决问题。有时候你需要提醒你父母注意这一点。
如果他们使你感到难堪，你就要告诉他们。有时候父母会把玩笑开得过火了，你要让他们知道你对此非常敏感，还会认为他们是在针对你。
做一个诚实的约定。对他们诚实以换取他们对你的诚实。
记住尊重是双向的。你以什么方式对待他们，他们就会以什么方式来对待你。
对他们抱有一定的信任。他们见过的世面比你多。他们也曾经遇到相同的情况。你可能会因为他们的经验而受益。
爱是相处的底线。记住，即使当你和他们的关系变得恶劣，他们依然爱你。