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By Glynis Gertsch
格琳斯・格尔特斯奇 / 文
夏艺玲 编译
5
“And then?”
“I helped and we chased all over the place after the papers. When we sat down to get our breath back, he told me he was a student. He was ever so clever. Can’t remember what the devil it was he was studyin’. Somethin’ I’d never heard of then or since.”
“Why didn’t you marry him?”
“Marry him? Good Lord, Leanna, I wasn’t ready to marry and he wasn’t the type I’d have wanted to marry by a long shot.”
“What else did he look like, Mom?”
“Lord, stop the questions, child. Get some sleep.”
She saw my disappointment, however, and said she would write it all down for me. Put it in an envelope to open when she was dead and gone. I was happy with that. On a wet, slick highway, driving to France for a weekend, she was involved in an accident and died instantly. I was twenty-three then and on my own feet but as I sorted through and packed up the belongings in her flat, I felt like a child again. I looked for the envelope but didn’t find one. For a long time after, my mother’s death and not knowing who my father was, made me feel as though I was drifting on a sea without horizons.
One lunchtime I just decided to brave it and ask Malcolm who I reminded him of.
“Met her while I was a student,” he said.
“Was she studying too?”
“Oh, heavens, no. That was what attracted me to her. She was ... so different.”
“What were you like?” I asked.
“Like? Much as I am now. Nose in books, bit of a loner. Not very interesting. Not for a live wire like she was.”
“Go on,” I said.
“She fell pregnant. I was very happy until she told me she didn’t want my help. Thought she’d change her mind, though, as the pregnancy advanced but when I attempted to see her, she told me to leave her be. I was very hurt but accepted her refusal to involve me. A few months later, I took a job I’d been offered in New York. Salary was dreadful but I thought it would be for the best.”
“Was it?” I asked.
“No. When I returned, they’d moved. Left no forwarding address.”
6
“So you never knew whether it was a boy or ...?”
“A girl?” asked Malcolm.
I nodded.
“A boy,” he said. “Had the approximate date and went to the Registry of Births to look it up.”
I sat there, trying to take in what Malcolm had said. I felt as though I’d been flattened by a truck.
“Somewhere out there I have a child I know nothing about,” Malcolm continued. “I was stupid. Rushed off instead of staying to have a share in my son’s life.”
“I thought perhaps it was a daughter.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“A daughter. Me.”
“You thought I was ... your father?”
“Books, curry, I’m tall. We ... we like the same things.”
“We definitely have things in common but I’m not your father.” He looked at me.
“I’m so sorry to disappoint you, Leanna.” I tried to smile.
“We’re not related but we can be something else.”
“What?”
“Can’t you think of anything?”
“Uh uh.”
“Friends.”
“Friends?”
“It’s been staring you in the face for weeks.” Malcolm’s use of that phrase made me burst out laughing.
“Let me in on the joke sometime,” he said.
“Okay,” I said. “Tell you sometime seeing we’re friends.”
Then I smiled. And my smile was as wide and warm as the one he smiled in return.
五
“然后呢？”
“我帮他，我们一起追那些飞舞在空中的试卷。当我们坐下来休息的时候，他就说他是一个学生。他确实很聪明。我记不清他学什么了，反正是从那以后我再也没有听说过的专业。”
“你为什么不嫁给他？”
“嫁给他？我的天，丽娜。我根本没想过要结婚，他也不是我想嫁的那种人，就算条件允许我也不会。”
“还有其他的吗，妈妈？”
“好啦，别问了，孩子。睡觉吧。”
她看得出我很失望，就安慰我说她会把所有的东西都写下来，然后装在一个信封里等她去世后再让我打开看。我听了以后觉得很满意。但是她死得很突然，那天她开车去法国度周末，结果在一条湿滑的高速公路上发生了车祸，她当场死亡。当时我23岁，刚独立，但是当我去她的住处处理她的遗物的时候，我感觉自己又回到了孩提时代。我仔细地寻找那封信，但是没有信的踪影。之后的很长一段时间里，妈妈的去世和对父亲的一无所知让我觉得自己就好像是一艘在望不到地平线的大海上航行的船。
一天中午吃饭的时候，我忍不住问麦可牧，我让他想起了谁。
“认识她的时候我还是学生，”他说。
“她也是学生？”
“哦，不是的。这就是她吸引我的地方。她是……如此的与众不同。”
“当时你是什么样的？”我问。
“什么样？跟我现在差不多。埋头看书，看上去孤独，缺乏幽默感。而她非常活泼可爱。”
“然后呢。”我问。
“她怀孕了，我当时很高兴，直到她对我说她不需要我的帮助。我想她会改变主意的。然而随着怀孕时间的加长，当我想去见她的时候，她就叫我离她远点。我很伤心，但是也只能依着她不去打扰她。几个月后，我在纽约找到了一份工作。尽管工资并不高，但是我觉得这对我们都有好处。”
“是吗？”我问。
“不是。但是当我回来的时候，她已经搬走了，也没有说搬到哪里去。”
六
“所以你从来不知道那个小孩是男的还是……？”
“女的？” 麦可牧问。
我点点头。
“是一个男孩。” 麦可牧说，“我有他大概出生的日期，我去出生登记处查过。”
我坐在那里，突然觉得很伤感并尽量去理解麦可牧这样说的意思。我觉得我深受打击。
“在世上的某个地方，我有一个儿子，但是我对他却一无所知，” 麦可牧接着说，“我真笨，居然离开他们，而不是留下来陪他们并看着儿子长大。”
“我猜她可能是女孩。”
“什么，我不太明白？”
“是女孩。我。”
“你认为我是你……父亲？”
“我们是那么的相似，如看书、吃咖喱饭，还有，我也很高啊。”
“我们是有很多相似之处，但是我的确不是你的父亲。”他看着我说。
“丽娜，很抱歉我让你失望了。”我勉强地笑了笑。
“虽然我们不是父女，但是我们可以是其他关系啊。”
“什么？”
“你没事吧？”他关切地问。
“哦，没事。”
“朋友。”
“朋友？”
“你看我已经观察你好长时间了。” 麦可牧的话让我忍不住大笑起来。
“什么时候让我分享一下你感到好笑的事。”他说。
“好吧，”我说，“既然我们是朋友，就告诉你点什么吧。”
于是我微笑起来。我的微笑，就像他回给我的微笑一样，机灵而且温馨。[完]
（责编：张楚武）