艾滋病――难以启齿的事实

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12月1日是世界艾滋病日。艾滋病这个字眼让很多人感到不安。的确,艾滋病是一种严重的疾病,但只要我们正确了解艾滋病的成因和传播途径,就不必闻“艾”色变,也不会歧视艾滋病病毒感染者。

本文主人公山姆今年17岁,一出生就是艾滋病病毒感染者。得知自己患有这个不治之症,他曾经很害怕、绝望,不敢把自己的身体状况告诉朋友,但通过有关组织的帮助和开解,他终于勇敢地面对这种疾病。

I found out about my HIV status when I was 11. I was at the hospital with my sister, who has HIV as well. She went in to see the nurse first and came out with tears rolling down her cheeks and her face in her hands. We’d always had hospital checkups and medication, so I didn’t understand why she was so upset. I thought it was just going to be a normal checkup and they’d show me the files that I never understood. But there were no files, the nurse just said, “Sam, we need to talk to you. The reason why you come here, the reason why you take your medication, is because you have HIV.”

My first thought was that I was going to die. When I was in primary school, you heard that if you’d got HIV, then you were going to die. I wondered how long I’d got to live, but I didn’t want to ask because it would feel too real. The nurse broke it down and told me that I wasn’t going to die, and I would be okay with the medication. She was trying to comfort me, but I didn’t feel like being comforted.

Life Change

In the days after, I felt I needed a life change. I thought HIV was very dangerous, and whoever has it and doesn’t know about it could get seriously ill. I felt like I wasn’t a kid anymore, and that I needed to grow up. I was scared about accidentally cutting myself, so I started acting differently at school. I had been very smart and polite, but I just curled up into a ball and became really closed off. I wouldn’t play about in class and throughout secondary school I was really stiff[拘谨的]. I could still have a laugh, but always felt like I had to have some self-control. I’m really comfortable now, and looking back I just think, “Geez[(表示惊奇等)哎呀],

I could have let myself go a little bit sometimes.” I

really regret that.

I decided not to tell my friends. I remember hearing people talk about Elton John注 being gay. A boy I knew said: “He’s probably going to get HIV, that’s disgusting[令人厌恶的].”

From then on, I decided not to tell anyone as I thought they wouldn’t

understand.

My sister told her friends about her status and it was really surprising because one friend stayed close, but the friend she was closest to drew back completely. She was

probably scared. She wasn’t a bad person; she just needed to be told a little bit more about HIV.

At one point I wanted to tell people. My sister said: “It’s entirely up to you; if you don’t want to do it then you don’t have to.” I felt like if I was able to tell someone, just one person, it would boost[推进] my

confidence. But I don’t know if my friends understand HIV because we never really talk about it.

Carrying On

My nurse told me about Teen Spirit and I started going a year after I was told about my HIV status. I was at a point in my life where I had really low

confidence because I didn’t know how to take the news of my status, but everyone was really

welcoming. Teen Spirit is unique because there are loads of different projects. I remember being really quiet at first because there were a lot of big

speakers. I thought, “Wow, this lot have so much to say, they must think having HIV is nothing, there’s obviously nothing wrong with me.” Some people weren’t fazed[使担忧] by having HIV at all, they carried

on regardless[不管怎样地]. It just depends on your

personality[个性].

Moving Forward

I’m going to be 18 soon and I feel much more

confident now. But when I think about disclosing[透露]

my status to friends I’m still not sure. I have thought about it, but I feel like it would be a burden[负担]

if I told someone, and I’d hate that. It’s too heavy for

anyone else to handle they don’t need it. Who knows if I’ll tell anyone in the future, I hope I will.

Right now I’m only

looking as far ahead as university. I’m not too sure where I want to go, but I want to do something around graphics[平面造型艺术] and design. I don’t think having HIV is going to stop me from achieving anything; it’s just the stupid stigma[污名]around it that affects other people’s perception[理解]. That’s the only downfall about having HIV.

发现自己是艾滋病病毒携带者的时候,我只有11岁。那时候,我和我姐姐一起去医院,她也是携带者。她先进去见护士,可出来的时候她双手捂着脸,泪水滑下脸颊。我们经常去医院做检查并进行药物治疗,所以我不明白她为什么这么难过。我以为这只不过是一次例行检查,然后他们会给我看一些我从来都搞不懂的文件。可是这次没有什么文件,护士说:“山姆,我们要跟你谈谈。你之所以要来这里、要接受药物治疗,是因为你有艾滋病病毒。”

我的第一个念头就是――我快要死了。读小学时,我听说如果得了艾滋病,你就会死掉。我想知道自己还能活多久,但我不想问,因为那种感觉太真实了。护士打破了僵局,她说我不会死,只要我进行药物治疗就会没事的。她试着安慰我,但我并不想听那些安慰话。

生活的改变

在接下来的日子里,我觉得自己的生活需要有所改变。我认为艾滋病非常危险,任何感染了这种病毒却对它不甚了解的人都会病得很重。我觉得自己不再是个孩子了,我必须长大。我害怕会不小心割伤自己,所以我在学校里开始表现得与之前大不相同。过去的我聪明有礼,那时却把自己蜷成一团,自我封闭起来。我再也没有在课堂上玩耍,整个中学期间都十分拘谨。我还是会开开玩笑,但总是觉得必须克制自己。现在我已经放松下来,但回想过去,我总会想:“哎呀,那时候我还是可以让自己放松一点的。”我确实挺后悔的。

我决定不把这件事告诉朋友。我还记得人们如何谈论埃尔顿・约翰是同性恋这件事。我认识的一个男孩说:“他说不定会得艾滋病呢,真恶心。”从那时起,我就决定不告诉任何人,因为我觉得他们不会理解。

我姐姐将她的病情告诉了她的朋友,结果让人非常惊讶――一个朋友依然与她保持亲密,曾经最要好的朋友却退避三舍了。后者大概只是害怕了――她并不是个坏人,只是需要了解更多关于艾滋病的知识。

我一度想将自己的情况告诉别人。我姐姐说:“这完全取决于你,如果你不想告诉别人,就不必说出来。”我觉得如果我能够告诉某个人,哪怕只是一个人,那就能增强我的信心。但是我不知道我的朋友能否理解艾滋病,因为我们从来没有真正谈论过这个问题。

生活的继续

我的护士向我推荐了“青少年精神”组织。得知自己带有艾滋病病毒的一年后,我开始前往该组织(求助)。那时的我正处于人生的低潮,信心严重不足,因为我不知道该如何接受自己的病情,但(那里的)每个人都十分热情。“青少年精神”是一个很特别的团体,因为那里有许许多多不同的项目。我记得一开始我非常安静,因为那里有很多能说会道的人。我想:“哇,这些家伙居然有这么多话说,他们也许认为得了艾滋病没什么大不了,所以我当然也没什么问题了。”有些艾滋病病毒携带者一点都不为此烦恼,他们毫不在意地继续生活着。这完全取决于你的性格。

未来的展望

我很快就满18岁,现在的我更加自信了。但我仍然不确定是否要向朋友说明我的病情。我曾经想过这个问题,可是一旦我告知某个人,这就会(给他人)带来负担,我不想那样。这对于任何人来说都是一个太过沉重、难以处理的问题――他们不需要为此受累。谁知道以后我会否告诉别人呢,我希望我能做到。

现在我只着眼于大学。我也不太确定想去哪所大学,但我希望能够在平面造型和设计方面有所作为。我不认为艾滋病会阻止我成就一番事业;只不过是环绕在它周围那愚蠢的污名影响了其他人的看法。那是身染艾滋病病毒的唯一缺点。

注:埃尔顿・约翰,英国流行乐手、作曲家和钢琴家,是流行音乐史上最成功的独唱歌手之一。