新房.新生
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Somehow I heard the knocking, the knocking on my front door, before I was ever really consciously aware of it. I was somehow expecting the visitor that showed up that 1)fateful day. Not only did I know he was coming, in all reality I think I had even, in a way, invited him.
As I reluctantly made my way to the front door, I could feel the familiar mental 2)tug-of-war begin. In my mind, no deeper, I knew what waited at the front door. As I approached the front door, the front door to my home, fear gripped me. I somehow knew that once I opened the door that things, things like my life, would never be the same. 3)Inwardly I knew that change was on the way. Inwardly I also knew that I had asked, even longed for this change. But I just couldn’t face it.
The rusty front door reluctantly swung open. It 4)squeaked and 5)screeched all the way for it hadn’t really been open in years if ever. The first thing I became aware of was his warm, gentle smile 6)accented nicely with a 7)knowing sparkle in his eyes. “Can I help you?” I mumbled. He let out a hearty genuine laugh at that one, “Can you help me?”
In between his laughing he managed to say “Sir, I am the 8)Contractor, I have done an 9)exhaustive survey of your house and I am afraid I have some good news and some bad news.”
I wondered silently if it was too late to shut the door and pretend I had never opened it. But I knew, knew deep down inside where all the serious, big decisions are made, that that would never happen. For I knew, really knew, that once you open this door, you can’t pretend you never opened it. You can’t shut it and walk away as if it had never existed. Once you have seen behind the magic curtain, so to speak, the show, this show, is never the same.
He continued. “I have found that your foundation, the foundation of your home is cracked, is faulty. Your home, the home you are presently living in, has been built on a broken and faulty foundation.” He scratched his head and said softly, “We have to put in a new foundation, we must start over from the ground up, the entire structure, the entire house, has to go.”
My mind screamed, my identity protested, not my house. Didn’t He understand that I had spent my whole life living in this house? The walls and the doors were full of memories. It had witnessed my old glory days. It was all I had, it was where I lived. It was my life, it was my precious home. He must surely be mistaken. There must be another way.
“Couldn’t we just get rid of a couple rooms and somehow 10)straighten the house out,” I asked. “No,” he said, “I’m sorry, in order to rebuild your house, we need to lay a new foundation, we need to begin 11)anew.” “But I am comfortable in my house,” I resisted, “I know where everything is. I am used to the way the furniture is, I know my way around all the rooms.”
Suddenly, a realization dawned on me that maybe it was my lack of courage of facing something new which was preventing me from signing the contract to rebuild. Just like when people are used to something, they may not be able to accept something new. I was hesitant, I was resistant, my mind, my body rebelled, but I knew he was right. I knew the time had come to rebuild a house, deep down, a new life.
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I stood at the end of my 12)driveway, the road to my new home to be, for a long time, and as I watched the first 13)wrecking ball smash into my old house, I let out a sigh of relief. I was acutely aware of the hard work that lay ahead, of the changes that would be required, but I also knew in my soul that it would be well worth it. As I began to walk up the driveway to my soon to be new home, I heard a loud crash as the wrecking ball struck my old house again, and a small smile broke across my face.
The work had begun. The work on my new foundation. The work on my new and beautiful home. The work on my life.
不知怎的,在我真正意识到那是敲门声之前,我就听到了,我家前门上的敲门声。不知为何,在那个重要的日子里,我一直期待着那位访客的出现。我不仅知道他要来,事实上,我甚至觉得是自己以某种方式邀请他来的。
当我不情愿地走向前门时,我能感觉到那场熟悉的心理拉锯战开始了。我一下就明白在前门那里等着我的是什么。当我走近前门,我家的那道前门时,恐惧牢牢地抓住了我。我是知道的,一旦我打开门,我的生活将绝不会一如从前。我内心清楚这种改变向我步步逼近,还清楚自己曾寻求,甚至渴望这种改变的到来。但我就是无法面对它。
锈迹斑斑的前门被不情愿地推开了。好几年了,这门都没有真正被打开过,所以一打开,就一直嘎吱嘎吱地作响。首先映入我眼帘的是他那友善的笑容,他向我使了个会意的眼色,愈发显得亲切。“我有什么能帮你吗?”我咕哝了一句。一听到那句话,他哈哈大笑起来,样子却显得很诚恳:“你能帮帮我吗?”
他边笑边说道:“先生,我是这里的工程承包商,我已经对你的房子进行了彻底的检查,我恐怕要告诉你一个好消息和一个坏消息。”
我默默寻思着,如果现在关上门,假装我从未开过门是否为时已晚。但我知道,我那为一切严肃重大问题做决定的内心深处明白到,那是不可能的了。因为我知道,真的知道,一旦你打开这道门,你就无法假装自己从未打开过它。你不能关上门,然后走开,好像一切从未发生过。一旦你往魔法帘幕背后瞅上一眼,可以说,这场演出,这场演出就不再会一如既往。
他继续说道:“我发现你的地基,你房子的地基出现裂缝,有问题。你的房子,你目前居住的这个房子建在一个破裂的有问题的地基之上。”他搔了一下脑袋,温柔地说道,“我们得修建一个新地基,重建这栋房子,所以,整个架构、整栋房子都不能要了。”
一声尖叫在我脑里响起,我的“自我身份”而非房子本身在发出抗议。他难道不明白我一辈子都住在这个房子里吗?那些墙和门都充满记忆,它见证了我过去的光辉岁月。它是我所拥有的一切,是我的住所,是我的生命,是我珍爱的家。他肯定是弄错了。肯定有别的解决办法。
“我们就不能只是推掉一些房间,想个办法修补一下整个房子吗?”我问道。“不行,”他说道,“很抱歉,为了重建你的这个房子,我们需要修建新地基,一切得从头开始。”“但我在这房子里住得很舒服。”我反驳道,“我熟悉一切事物的摆放位置,我习惯了家具的摆设方式,我清楚那些通往各个房间的通道。”
突然,我意识到,也许正是因为我缺乏勇气面对新生活而使得我不愿签署房屋重建合同。就像当人们习惯了某些东西,他们也许无法接受新事物。我在犹豫,在抵抗,我的身心都在抵制这一切,但我知道他是对的。我认识到是时候重建房子了,从更深的层面来讲,“重建”一种新生活的时机也来临了。
我久久地伫立在我家车道的尽头,这条车道通往我的新房。当我看着大铁球第一下砸向我家老房子时,我长舒了一口气。我十分清楚摆在前面的艰苦工作,以及必要的改变,但我内心也清楚那一切都是值得的。当我开始沿着车道往前走,走向未来的新房所在地时,我听到一声巨响,那个大铁球再一次砸向我的老房子。一丝微笑掠过了我的脸庞。
工程开始了。修建我那新地基的工程,建造我那漂亮新家的工程,迎接我那新生活的“工程”开始了。
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