儿子的独白

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Being a single mother isn’t the best job in the world. Last night when I saw my son’s report card, I saw all my dreams going down the drain[下水道]. My eyes ran across the words scrawled[潦草地写] by the teacher in bright red:“Slow learner. Needs to improve,” “Much behind the other students in math,” “Fails to interact[互动] with other students.” I could see all my plans for a bright career for my son as a doctor or an engineer vanishing into thin air[完全消失]. I had thrown all my hopes and life’s ambition[抱负] behind his future success, and he couldn’t even make it through sixth grade. I lost my temper and yelled, and my son stared sullenly[阴沉地] back at me. What exasperated[激怒] me the most was that he never uttered[发出] a single word, never gave me any reason.

Later, while I was running the duster[掸子] across the desk, my eyes suddenly fell on a piece of crumpled[弄皱的] paper. I could recognize my son’s handwriting on it:

单身妈妈并不是什么好差事。昨晚当我看到儿子的成绩单，我也看到自己所有的美梦全都顺着下水道冲走了。老师那鲜红潦草的评语在我眼前一晃而过：“学习跟不上，需改进”、“数学比其他同学差了一截”、“无法与同学进行交流”。我仿佛看见我给儿子设定的美好职业规划都化为泡影了——我还指望他当上医生或者工程师呢。我抛弃了全部希望和人生抱负，只求他将来获得成功，而他竟然连六年级都念不下去。我发飙了，朝他大叫大嚷，而我儿子只是灰溜溜地看着我。最让我火冒三丈的是他居然一直没吭声，也没向我作出解释。

后来当我的掸子扫过书桌时，我突然看见一张皱巴巴的纸。我认出那是儿子的字迹——

Mama,

I wonder if you will ever really understand me. I understand your anger at my grades today, but, Mama, I try, I really do. I think there must be something wrong with me. However much I try, I never manage to get it right. I wanna make you happy, Mama. I want you to be as proud of me as John’s mom is when he tops the class, or Sherry’s ma is when she bags the first prize in singing. I wish I were the kind of son you could be proud of.

But sadly, I am not.

But, Mama, when you say I will never be a “good” person, I don’t know what you mean. Is it only good grades that make a person good or bad? Miss Robinson says that I have beauty of heart, but I wonder why you never notice it. I wonder how many times you noticed me helping an old neighbor cross the street, or slipping my week’s pocket money to the old beggar down the street who has no clothes for winter. I walked to school for a week because of that, as the money included my bus fare[费用] too. I thought I was doing something to be proud of, but when I came running home to tell you about it, you just curtly[敷衍地] nodded your head and told me to go do my homework. I guess what I did wasn’t something very great.

Mama, I love you and wish you could be proud of me. Proud of what I am. Proud of the little things I achieve. I have no one other than you, and I want to make you happy. But I guess I am not good enough for that. Watering grandpa’s garden every week and buying groceries[杂货] for grandma isn’t as important as doing math. But, Mama, I wish you could understand; they are so old and frail[虚弱的], I couldn’t resist offering to help them a bit.

I just wish you would understand and be proud of me... I wonder how often you noticed me giving up my seat in the train to an elderly lady…

I couldn’t read the last lines of the note as my eyes had filled with unshed tears. It wasn’t my son who was a failure, it was me. I took out a piece of paper and wrote:

I am sorry about yesterday. I AM proud of you. Anyone would be. You have a heart two sizes larger than anyone else I know. I just hope you understand I love you more than anything, and that moms make mistakes too. I just hope you understand...

Love,

Mama

妈妈：

我在想你会不会理解我。我知道你今天看到我的成绩很生气，但是，妈妈，我尽力了，我真的尽力了。我想我一定有问题。不管我怎么努力，我老是没办法答对。我想让你高兴，妈妈。我想让你为我感到骄傲，就像约翰取得全班第一时他妈妈那样自豪，或者像谢丽获得歌唱比赛第一名时她妈妈那样骄傲。我真希望我是那种让你引以为荣的儿子。

可惜我不是。

但是，妈妈，你说我不会成为“好人”，我不明白你的意思。难道只有好成绩才能决定一个人是好还是坏吗？鲁滨逊小姐说我有心灵美，但我不知道你为什么从没看到这一点。我不知道你有没有看到我经常搀扶年迈的邻居过马路，或者偷偷地把一周的零花钱送给大街上那位没有衣服过冬的老乞丐。为了这件事，我整整一星期都得走路上学，因为那些钱里包括了我的车费。我以为这是值得骄傲的好事，但是当我跑回家告诉你时，你只是敷衍地点点头，叫我去做作业。我猜那并不是什么了不起的事情吧。

妈妈，我爱你，我希望你能为我感到骄傲，为这样的我感到骄傲，为我所做的小小的好事感到骄傲。你是我唯一的亲人，我想让你开开心心。不过，我想我还不够好，所以你不高兴。每星期去外公的花园帮忙浇水或者帮外婆买东西都没有学好数学那么重要。但是，妈妈，我希望你能理解我，他们年纪大了，身体不好，我实在忍不住要去帮帮忙。

我只希望你能理解我，为我感到骄傲……我在列车上经常给老太太让座，不知道你有没有看到……

还没看完这封信，几乎夺眶而出的泪水便模糊了我的双眼。我的儿子并非一无是处，我才是。我拿出一张纸写道——

昨天很对不起。你真让我骄傲。所有人都会为你感到骄傲。你的心胸比我认识的人都要宽广。我只希望你能明白我爱你胜过一切，而且妈妈也会犯错。我希望你能理解我……

爱你的

妈妈